If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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