I need help removing her.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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