OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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