enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
