he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
