Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
