Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
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