I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
