I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
