ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
The best revenge is premature balding
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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