lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
