I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
