I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
