i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I want to fling myself into the sun
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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