I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
You should frame my arrest warrant.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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