the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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