my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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