Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
