my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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