Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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