throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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