I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
We left the knife in your bed.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
