Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Randomize
