i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
