dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
