the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Randomize
