nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
