M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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