True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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