Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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