Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
