Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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