I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
