Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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