Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
