Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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