I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Randomize
