dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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