Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
