I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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