Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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