im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
