a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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