I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I checked into jail on foursquare
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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