Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I FOUND THE LEGS
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I need a beard to bite.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
