Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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