Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
