I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
