There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
