This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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