Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
